Every Saturday, my Zumba class is plagued with the presence of the Zumba Meth Head. Ok, maybe she’s not entirely on Meth, maybe she consumes like ten energy drinks, with just a sprinkle of Meth prior to class. Whatever the case, she be off the chain, and not in a good way.

Several months ago, when I first started my Zumba journey, I attended the same class as the Zumba Meth-head. It’s safe to assume that I thought this was the twilight zone. She was flailing her arms and legs violently without trying to imitate the instructor or stay in sync with the music. And get this; Zumba Meth-head wears dark shades during her wild Zumba convulsions. If the instructor jumps once, this creature jumps 4 times and adds a drunken pirouette just for kicks. Then suddenly, she’ll start winding her hips slowly during up-tempo songs while rubbing her hands through her hair like she’s at a rave and got a hit of some strong Ecstasy.

The Methy Zumba Sexual Assault

Typically, Zumba Meth-head is harmless and regular participants accepted her as a minor annoyance…an annoyance that has to make her way to the front of the class after missing the first 30 minutes. Unfortunately, her minor annoyance progressed to a total class walk-out one Saturday morning. She seemed unusually friendlier than usual one day. During class, she generally doesn’t interact with the participants, and often watches herself act a damn fool in the mirror. It’s hard to understand whether she notices that she looks like a damn fool because she is wearing fckn dark shades inside of a gym. She had a few overly friendly moments with a few women in the class who were so shocked and offended at her behavior that they grabbed their shyt and walked the fck out. Our little Meth darling became so stimulated by the music and the dance moves (that she never adheres to) that she started rubbing random women’s shoulders, and she even smacked one on the azz. I guess she thought the lady was doing such a spectacular job,  it was her methy ordained duty to sexually assault a stranger in front of forty other women.

I was so glad to be in the back of the class that day because I probably would have physically beaten her down in self-defense. And it’s not like she’s in her right mind to win a fight…well, maybe that’s not a factual thought because people on Meth think they are invincible at the prime of their highness. I probably would have gotten my azz beaten down at Zumba that day. You can’t win no fight against a meth-head.

Meth-Induced Zumba: A New Movement?

The Zumba instructor must not have been too bright or she took a hit of a little something something her damn self, because maybe two weeks later, she allowed the Zumba Meth-head to commandeer the class because the instructor suddenly pulled a muscle in her leg. The idiot should have just canceled the class altogether.

Immediately after the instructor went down, she was looking for regular participants to lead the rest of the class. Before anyone could be chosen, Zumba Meth-head aggressively established her position in the front of the class, and proceeded to change the class from Zumba, to the wino exhibition class. All of the flailing and drug induced movements she did every Saturday as a participant, we were all now doing those same moves. I felt like those crackheads that be fighting themselves at the bus stop on a hot sunny day. No one could keep up with the drug induced dances, and the poor, yet moronic Zumba instructor just sat quietly in awe that an individual could move so fast and was seemingly dedicated to being off beat with the music because of her executing of such swift and erratic moves.

Similar to the last Meth-induced Zumba class, people got their shyt and exited the class expeditiously. I guess participants drew the line at learning a new style of Meth-induced Zumba.

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